Happy Final Fantasy's
by BurgerandPanduhproduction
Summary: A story of randomness and...well...randomness
1. scene 1 and 2

Happy Final Fantasy's  
  
By: UberBurger and Panduh  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Panduh: PUU-CHUU! *bounces around the room*  
  
UberBurger: Er...did someone let her near the sugar?  
  
Assistant: Sorry that was me.  
  
UberBurger: - - Great, now she's going to be wired for the rest of the chapter.  
  
Assistant: Yah, really sorry about that.  
  
*fire alarm goes off*  
  
UberBurger: And here come the sprinklers....  
  
*sprinklers come on and soak them*  
  
UberBurger: God hates me....*sulks off.*  
  
Assistant: Uh..well...Panduh and Burger don't own Square-enix, Final fantasy 7, Final fantasy 8, or anything like that.  
  
**********************************************  
  
Scene one: Nibelheim  
  
Cid: It's a boring town and a boring life; times like these you need a Marbolo. *Puts cigarette in mouth*  
  
Quistis: *approaches...from somewhere. Don't ask me where* You know...Smoking is bad for you.... *Whips the cigarette out of his mouth*  
  
Cid: *stands there stunned* Who the hell are you Lady? Don't you understand that it's a boring town and a boring life and times like these a man needs a Marbolo?  
  
Quistis: Well not anymore it will be, that is, when my fan-club talk show comes on air.  
  
Cid: What Fanclub? It's a boring town and a boring life....  
  
Quistis: (Is that all this man can say? - -;;;) The QFC! That's what! Now DANCE for you INSOLENCE!!!! *Starts snapping her whip at him*  
  
Cid: @#?& lady!!! OW! Why cant you-ow! See that you've-@#?&!! Wrecked the silence around here??!!!  
  
(Rufus steps in, once again, don't ask me from where.)  
  
Background: SHINRA! SHINRA! SHINRA! SHIN-  
  
Rufus: Shut up! God that stupid background noise has followed me EVERYWHERE!!  
  
Quistis: (My next victim....)  
  
Cid: *Quietly sneaks away*  
  
Quistis: So....Lets see how well you dance...(Obscene amounts of violence are really good for releasing inner demons...)  
  
Quistis: *raises whip but a random unnamed Shinra soldier jumps in the way*  
  
Random unnamed Shinra soldier: NOOOOO!!!!! *slow-motion*  
  
Quistis: ......*kicks the R.U.S.S in the nuts*  
  
R.U.S.S: Owch...*limps away*  
  
Yuffie: HE YAH! *Jumps in from nowhere* Stop villain! I saw what you did to Cid!  
  
Quistis: (It's raining idiots today...) Oh boy...a Martial artist want to-bee. Like I don't get enough of that at home.  
  
Yuffie: *Gets pissed off and punches Quistis, and a brutal cat-fight ensues*  
  
Rufus: ....*puts hands on his head and sighs*  
  
*The battle ends with Yuffie searching Quistis for Materia*  
  
Yuffie: No MATERIA!!! NOOOO!!!!! *crys*  
  
Quistis: *has a black eye* Wimp.  
  
Yuffie: *sniffle* Am not!!!  
  
Quistis: Are too!!!  
  
Rufus: Will you women PLEASE shut up!!!!  
  
(Cid sneaks back in)  
  
Cid: Not such a boring town anymore, but still a boring life. Its times like these you need a marbolo. *Puts cigarette back in mouth*  
  
Scene Two: Tifa's house.  
  
Cid: Nothin' be a happen so I guess I'll take a nap. *yawns and falls asleep in Tifa's bed*  
  
(Black-caped person comes on)  
  
BCP: wa...sep...hi...ROTH!!!  
  
Cid: *Snore* *snore* *snore*  
  
BCP: SEP....HI....ROTH!!!!!  
  
Cid: *snore* *snore *snore*  
  
BCP: *Throws off cape and reveals that it's Tifa*  
  
Tifa: GET OFF MY BED!!! *Jenova music plays in the background* *slams Cid off her bed*  
  
Cid: *thud* *gets up* @#?&!!! @#?&!!! @#?&!!!!  
  
Cid: Why did you wake me up from my @#?& sleep %^*&$!!!!  
  
Tifa: WHAT was THAT???!!! *Kicks him in the nuts*  
  
Cid: ah....*crumples over*  
  
*Jedi person appears*  
  
JP: Cid...use the force......  
  
*Jedi person disappears*  
  
Cid: *gets up, does some flamboyant and totally useless martial art moves*  
  
Tifa: .........*pokes him*  
  
Cid: *falls over* Owch.....  
  
Tifa: *sighs* Cid, where's Cloud?  
  
Cid: *groan*  
  
Tifa: WHERE'S CLOUD!!!!  
  
Cid: *slightly delirious* Well...there are plenty of clouds in the sky......  
  
Tifa: NO! Where's THE Cloud?  
  
Cid: Oh...you mean the big cloud.....  
  
Tifa: NO! I mean the person Cloud! Cloud Strife!!!  
  
Cid: (There's a cloud named Cloud Strife?)  
  
Tifa: *sighs and puts her hand on her head oh-so-dramatically* You would never understand our LOVE bond....  
  
Cid: (She's in love with a cloud? Strange woman)  
  
Tifa: Just never mind. Will you please get OUT OF MY HOUSE SO I CAN GET SOMETHING DONE????!!!  
  
Cid: pfft...women. *leaves*  
  
(Just as leaves Cloud peeks over a chair as Tifa plays horrible piano)  
  
Piano: BANG BANG! BAM BAM!!  
  
Cloud: *groan* (tries to escape through the door)  
  
Tifa: (turns around) CLOUD! There you are!!! (grabs him*)  
  
Cloud: NO! AHHH!!!!! (In a panic he hits her with his buster sword)  
  
Tifa: OW!!! (Falls over)  
  
Cloud: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!! (Runs away)  
  
Cid: *comes through the door again* Hey Tifa, want a Marbolo?  
  
Tifa: *twitch* *twitch* 


	2. scene 3 and 4

Happy Final Fantasy's  
  
By: Burger and Panduh  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
UberBurger: People...I have some very sad news....were being sent to disclaimer camp...  
  
Panduh: *sugar high has worn off* WHAT?! NOOOOOOO!!!!! .......what's that?  
  
UberBurger: Apparently do to the damage we caused last chapter, we need to go to this 'camp' to learn how to do disclaimers properly.  
  
Panduh: ....that sucks...  
  
UberBurger: Yah.....  
  
*drill sergeant appears*  
  
Drill Sergeant: UBER-BURGER AND PANDUH DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, SQUARE-ENIX OR ANY FINAL FANTASY INSTALLMENT!!!  
  
UberBurger &Panduh: *collectively groan*  
  
************************************************  
  
Scene Three, Quistis fan-club studio.  
  
Annoying intro-voice: Heeeello and welcome to the Quistis fan-club show. Starring, of course, QUISTIS!!!!!!  
  
(Clap, clap, clap.....)  
  
Quistis: Hello and welcome everybody to the first official episode of the Quistis fan-club!!!!  
  
Quistis: Alright, today I've played a nasty trick on our resident bastard, Sephiroth. Lately the silver-haired maniac has been going into 'fads'. Tonight, we gave him a fake list of fads! Lets see what happened shall we? *giggle giggle*  
  
*screen pans to the T.V*  
  
(In Shinra mansion)  
  
Sephiroth: *pacing around* Hojo was such a gayford, he knew nothing of fads! NOTHING! Isn't that right mother?  
  
Camera man: *sneaks in and gives Sephiroth the fad list, and eyes the masamune nervously* Er..here you go, Mr. Psychopathic killer person.... Heh- heh. *Runs away*  
  
Sephiroth: OH THANK YOU!!!! I'VE GOT A.....*pokemon victory music plays in the background* FAD LIST!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Okay lets see here....the current fad is sailor fuku's with pig- tails....Fad remains 10 minutes!!!! I'll be right back!!!! *rushes off*  
  
(Screen pans back to an amused Quistis)  
  
Quistis: We'll return after a word from our sponsors to see Sephiroth's new look!  
  
*commercial break*  
  
Chocobo billy: Buy Chocobo Burgers! Its good and what for dinner! If it ain't Chocobo, its crap!!!  
  
Chocobo: Wark wark!!! (Only 10 gil a patti!) ******* Ultimecia: Call in to Ultimecia's love line! We've been dealing with love potions for the last 10,000 years! Its guaranteed to stop time!  
  
*end commercial break*  
  
Quistis: Welcome back! And now back to Sephiroth and his new look!  
  
****** (back in Shinra mansion)  
  
Sephiroth: *now in Sailor fuku with pigtails* How do I look!!!  
  
Camera man: *trying hardest not to crack up* Oh.....simply...lovely...Oh yes...we brought a friend of yours to take a look at your new style.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh goodie! *walks out into library*  
  
Cloud: Gah! Where were you, you were supposed to say something stupid and throw the gravity material at me and....*notices what Sephiroth looks like and cracks up*  
  
Sephiroth: *frowns* I have no idea what you're laughing at. *gets into high- pitched gay voice* I mean like look at your pants Cloud! Just look at them! There so like...baggy on you! Like grow into them Cloud, grow!  
  
Cloud: *stunned, soul flies out of his body*  
  
Cid: *jumps down from the roof and lands on Sephiroth's shoulders.*  
  
Cid: *lights cigarette* Want a marbolo?  
  
Sephiroth: *takes it* Is this a new fad???  
  
Cid: I dunno know....  
  
Sephiroth: I think it is!!! *steals his pack of cigarette's and run's away*  
  
Cid: *sighs* Some people just don't understand......  
  
(Back at Quistis Fan-club studio)  
  
Quistis: Well now, that was interesting! By the way, don't you think the guy Cid is a little suspicious?  
  
Audience: *mutter mumble*  
  
Quistis: *loads shot-gun* I SAID...don't you think that guy Cid looks suspicious??  
  
Audience: ^^;;;; YES THAT GUY LOOKS SUSPICIOUS!!!  
  
Quistis: Anyway, tune in next time when we have an In-depth look at the man, Cid Highwind!!! Bye!!!!!  
  
*************  
  
Scene four: Wutai  
  
Cid: *hack* *cough* (Hasn't had a cigarette since Sephiroth stole his pack)  
  
Yuffie: My poor beautiful home! It's a...a....TOURIST TRAP!!!! *bursts out in tears*  
  
Cid: *hack* Here have a *cough* tick-tack. *hack* *cough*  
  
*Sephiroth appears, dawning his usual black outfit again.*  
  
Sephiroth: WHERE IS THAT CAMERA MAN WHO GAVE ME THAT BOGUS FAD-LIST!!!! IM GOING TO CHOP HIS HEAD OFF AND GIVE IT TO JENOVA AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *whips masamune around, and accidentally lodges it into a nearby wooden post*  
  
Sephiroth: Argh!! *pull* *tug* (Masamune wont budge) Hey-you-can-I-please-have-a-Marbolo!!!!! (Has become addicted ever since the Nibelheim incident)  
  
Cid: Ugh...I kinda don't have...*gulp*...anymore cigarettes.  
  
Sephiroth: *stops moving altogether. If you listen closely, you can hear what's left of his grip on sanity dies* ............  
  
Cid:.......  
  
Sephiroth: WHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???!!!!!!! *Pulls out masamune all in one movement, the wooden pole falls over and crashes onto the ground* You..will.....die........  
  
Cid: *gulp* Mother or pearl!!! *Runs away*  
  
Sephiroth: COME BACK HERE!!! *Chases after him*  
  
(Yuffie flings her hands in the air)  
  
Yuffie: Have you all lost your MINDS??!!  
  
Sephiroth: *calls back* Basically.  
  
(Sephiroth and cid exit)  
  
Quistis: *approaches Yuffie, camera man in Tow*  
  
Yuffie: Oh..hi...Quistis *forced smile*  
  
Quistis: Hee-hee, look at Cid run. You wouldn't think a hick like him could run so fast.  
  
Yuffie: *fuming* This all you and you're damn show's fault!!!  
  
Quistis: Aw...does Yuffie have a little crush on Cid and doesn't want him to get huuurrttttt?  
  
Yuffie: GOD DAMNIT! THAT'S NONE OF YOUR *bleep* BUISNESS YOU *bleep*!!!!  
  
*Quistis take out chain whip and Yuffie takes out 4-point shurken*  
  
BATTLE  
BATTLE  
BATTLE  
  
*End result, Quistis is tied up with her own whip, Yuffie has various shurken's sticking out of her arms and a black eye*  
  
Tifa: *comes out of a gift shop* You guys fight like wimps.  
  
Yuffie: Well it took you two hits to knock out Cid! That's pathetic.  
  
Tifa: (There not supposed to know that...) And where did you hear THAT?  
  
Yuffie: The news. It was broadcasted ALL over television world-wide.  
  
Tifa: (My reputation gone before my very eyes.....)  
  
Yuffie: Afraid to admit it Tifa?  
  
Tifa: (This is just...great....)  
  
Quistis: UMPH! UMPH!! *mouth is tied up by whip*  
  
Yuffie: Shut it Quistis.  
  
Quistis: *struggle* *tried to get untied*  
  
Tifa: Anyway, getting to the point. Where is Cloud?  
  
*Cloud runs by*  
  
Cloud: I WANT THAT GRAVITY MATERIA SEPHIROTH!!!! I KNOW YOU HAVE IT!!!!! *Notices Tifa* Oh shit.....*runs off*  
  
Tifa: YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY MISTER!!!! *chases after him*  
  
Yuffie: Er...I should go help him...*runs after Tifa*  
  
(Quistis finally gets untangled by the camera men)  
  
Quistis: After them! We've got a story to shoot!  
  
* The ghetto Diagram!!!! *  
  
*;;; ( * ( * ( * ( * ( * (Cid) (Sephiroth) (Cloud) (Tifa) (Yuffie) (Quistis and co.)  
  
Quistis: *while running backwards and smiling into the camera* Welcome everybody! Today, as promised, is the in-depth look on Cid Highwind! Cid is (of course) a drunk. He sits all day smoking Marbolo's and drinking beer. Well today we've got him on camera!  
  
Quistis: *points towards the fleeing Cid*  
  
Cid: *running for his life and notices a tree up ahead* Ah-hah! Try this!  
  
*The second Ghetto diagram!*  
  
* ( Cid  
+  
|( tree * ( Sephiroth *( Cloud *( Tifa *( Yuffie *( Quistis and co.  
  
Quistis and basically everyone else: *hits tree*  
  
Quistis: That's...all....for tonight folks *falls unconscious*  
  
Cid: HAHAHA!!!! Finally I don't get the crap beaten out of me! *run's into a palm tree, coconut falls on his head*  
  
Cid: Urghhh....*falls backwards into the sea*  
  
Cid: *falls on emerald weapon*  
  
Emerald weapon: RAWGH!!!!  
  
Cid: er.....want a marbolo?  
  
Emerald weapon: RAAAAAAWWGGHHHH!!!!!  
  
Cid: *gasp* Is that a yes?  
  
Emerald weapon: RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWGHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Cid: Gah!!! Have my whole pack!!!!!  
  
Emerald weapon: erm.......  
  
*Emerald weapon takes out cigarette and tries to light it under-water*  
  
*cigarette doesn't light*  
  
Emerald weapon: RAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Cid: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *quickly swims out of water*  
  
Cid: Oh my god! I forgot my pack!!!  
  
(Emerald weapon rises from the water)  
  
Cid: HOLY SHIT!!!!! *Steals back his pack*  
  
Emerald weapon: RAWGHHH!  
  
Cid: *runs away*  
  
Emerald weapon: Ermmm........ *tally marks a page*  
  
Emerald weapon: Fifteen people already today! RAWGHHH!!!!!! 


	3. scene 5 and 6

Disclaimer:  
  
Uberburger: *hiding in a closet and writing by candle-light* Day two in disclaimer camp.....Our drill sergeant is cruel and unusual....Sent out a sos and flushed in down the toilet.....currently hoping it will reach the sea.....  
  
*closet door's fly open showing a very pissed off drill sergeant*  
  
Drill sergeant: YOUR UP PAST CURFEW MAGGOT!!!! DROP AND GIVE ME 20 DISCLAIMERS!!!!  
  
Uberburger: I DO NOT OWN SQAURESOFT; I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, I DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT!!!!!!!!  
  
Uberburger: *passes out from lack of breath*  
  
*************************************************  
  
Scene 5: Midgar, sector 7 slums.  
  
Cid: *cough* It smells like crap down here.......  
  
(Sector 7 slum guy approaches)  
  
S7G: That's because it IS crap!!! Want some?  
  
Cid: Er....maybe later.  
  
*Quistis comes with a gas mask on, camera crew in tow*  
  
Quistis: Welcome to QFC!! Today we bring you down to where it all happens! You guessed it!  
  
Quistis: THE SLUMS! Where the crap flows! Today we're in sector 7, and since Cloud never visited Don Coreno's mansion, the plates will be falling soon! (Of course they fall anyway). Cloud now suffers from a minor head injury, due to the tree incident yesterday. Once the plate falls there will be total chaos!!!!  
  
*plates make rumble sounds*  
  
Quistis: Well, now I had better take a step backwards and take cover to avoid injury. *hides behind a slide*  
  
Cid: *stumbles backwards*  
  
Cid: *gag* *cough*  
  
Plate: RUMBLE!!!! BAAAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!  
  
*The plates crash down, and somehow Cid manages to avoid all the flying debris*  
  
S7G: MY CRAP!!!! ITS RUINED!!!!!  
  
Quistis: *notices Cid and the sector 7 guy for the first time* Ah! It seems we have to natives here! One appears to be gagging on the floor and...oh look its Cid Highwind!!!  
  
Cid: Ahhhhh.....*barf*  
  
S7G: Poor guy...gotta bad case of slum gas...all ya gotta do is punch him right here....*punches cid*  
  
Cid: Ugghhhhhhhhh.......Where's my goddamn pack......  
  
*marbolo pack sticking out of a pile of crap*  
  
S7G: MY CRAP!!!  
  
CID: MY PACK!!  
  
Quistis: Like I said, 'once the plate falls there will be total chaos'.  
  
Cid: GAWD!!! *sniffs pack*  
  
Cid: This stuff smells like chocobo shit!  
  
S7G: It is chocobo shit!!  
  
Quistis: Ah....^^;;; that's enough for tonight folks. This is Quistis Trepe, signing off.  
  
Camera guy #1: Cut!  
  
Quistis: *steps in crap* aw....shit. Oh, by the way Cid, our show has taken legal ownership of your ship!  
  
Cid: Gahhh.......*barfs*  
  
Scene 6: The swamp next to Mythril mine cave  
  
Yuffie: EW! *gets her foot stuck in marsh mush*  
  
Quistis: ....tell me again Cid......WHY DID YOU PARK THE HIGHWIND IN THE MIDDLE OF A SWAMP, OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?!  
  
Cid: I...!  
  
Yuffie: OMIGOD!!! EEKKKK!!!!!  
  
(Midgar zolom is comes up to them)  
  
Midgar Zolom: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie: Its after me!  
  
Quistis: AHHH!!!! HELP!!!!  
  
*With their hands in the air Quistis and Yuffie run around in circles screaming while the Midgar Zolom chases after them)  
  
Midgar Zolom: HISSSSS!!!!  
  
*Two hours later there still running*  
  
Yuffie: *pushes Quistis in the marsh mush* Every girl for herself!!!  
  
Cid: *starts smoking cigarettes* (Amateurs.....)  
  
(The Midgar zolom rises up to full height)  
  
Quistis: O....O......Oh.....god.......  
  
Cid: *cigarette falls out of mouth* MOTHER OF PEARL!!!!!!  
  
Midgar zolom: Hiss.......  
  
Yuffie: *falls in the mush with her hands on her head* WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!  
  
Midgar Zolom: HISSSSSS *shows fangs*  
  
The girls: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Midgar zolom: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS  
  
The girls: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Midgar zolom: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS  
  
Cid: AIIIIIIYYYYYYIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! *screams like a little girl*  
  
Midgar zolom: (eyes buldge) HISSSS!!!!!! *runs away*  
  
Quistis: (Claps hands) Wow.....Cid, you actually did something right for once!!!!  
  
*They both look down to Yuffie*  
  
Yuffie: (Still has hands on head and screaming) WERE ALL GOING TO DIE! DIE!  
  
DIE! I NEVER EVEN GOT ANY MATERIA!! WERE-  
  
Quistis: Its gone Yuffie, you can shut up now.  
  
Yuffie: -die! Huh? *looks up* Oh! Of course! *jumps up* Uhh....I knew that.  
  
Cid: Oh lucky chocobos! There's the highwind!!!!  
  
*they all run to the highwind*  
  
***  
  
*** 


End file.
